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Scheduling Intimacy

A man and woman hugging on a bed.

Maintaining a passionate relationship in a busy world

In our fast-paced lives, filled with hectic schedules and numerous commitments, sex in a relationship is often put off to “not tonight, maybe tomorrow.” After all, it’s hard to focus on intimacy when one is worried about the kids, tomorrow’s presentation or household chores that need to be done. Unfortunately, sex often becomes the last thing on the list, and couples miss the connection in their relationship.

One unconventional, yet increasingly popular approach to reignite and enhance your sex life, is to schedule sex.

Many couples believe that sex should only be spontaneous and there is something wrong with planning their romantic activities in advance, as if planning will take away some of the fun and the passion. Additionally, when a partner’s request is routinely turned down, they may stop making advances, leading to a negative spiral and even to avoiding sex in general.

Scheduled sex replaces spontaneity with anticipation, communication, and excitement. When sex is scheduled both partners have time to clear time and energy and prepare for their time together. It might even help busy partners remember a passionate part of themselves that they have buried under the day-to-day activity.

Once it’s on the calendar, use that time as a way to build up anticipation and set a mood. At odd moments, think about ways you’d like to touch your partner or positions you want to try. Try sending flirtatious texts, or giving your partner a deep, passionate kiss before leaving for work in the morning.

It might feel awkward at first but give it a try. Scheduled intimacy provides an opportunity to explore new ideas and fantasies. Use this time to try something different, whether it’s introducing new activities or experimenting with communication styles.

Some couples even like to have a repeated weekly “sex date” on their calendar so they can schedule around it. Your partner will get the message that intimacy and connection matter to you. Scheduling sex demonstrates your dedication to your connection as a couple.

So, whether you’re a busy professional, a parent juggling multiple responsibilities, or simply seeking to enhance your relationship, consider the benefits of scheduling sex and enjoy the rewards it brings to your partnership.

by Debby Spertus, LSW

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