At a certain point in therapy (or in life!), people start to ask, “How do I change? What’s “the work” that I keep hearing about?” And of course, people come to therapy seeking change: they want to overcome anxiety or depression; they want their relationships to be different; they want to heal from grief; they want to become more comfortable adjusting to a new phase of life such as parenthood, divorce, or graduation. Regular therapy sessions are a great place to start, but so much of change – or what can be called “the work” – happens in between sessions. How? One way is by pushing ourselves to notice and make connections between the ABC triangle of human activity. What are the ABCS? Affect, behavior and cognition, or in other words: feeling, doing, and thinking. When it comes down to it, these are the three components of human activity.
Understanding Your Personal ABC Style
Most people have one or two of these domains that come more naturally to them.
- Someone might spend a lot of time thinking about a problem (cognition) but have more difficulty doing something about it (behavior).
- Another person might love to talk about their feelings and spend time processing them (affect) but have a harder time thinking realistically about issues confronting them (cognition).
- Someone else might constantly be doing – they spend a lot of time moving from task to task or activity to activity (behavior), but are unable to slow down and conceptualize a clear path forward (cognition) or allow themselves to feel anything (affect).
These behaviors can present as anxiety, depression, grief and loss, or other mental health challenges.
Initiating Change: Bridging the ABC Gap
The work of change can occur when we can make connections between these three ABC domains of affect, behavior and cognition, and challenge ourselves to do something that feels less natural and comfortable for us. For example:
- If you easily access and express emotions (Affect-dominant): Try doing something to get more into your body, like yoga. Or have the vulnerable conversation with a friend that you are dreading: someone who feels sad and hurt by being left out may need to have a challenging conversation by asking, “Have I done something to hurt you? I’m feeling more distance between us.” This moves you from pure feeling into active behavior and clear communication.
- If you tend to overthink and get stuck in your head (Cognition-dominant): Ask yourself, “What can I do to change the situation? What steps do I need to take?” A parent frustrated with their adolescent’s behavior may need to move into action and set a limit that will feel uncomfortable. Or someone worried about their family’s treatment of their new partner may need to set boundaries around time spent together. These are all about transitioning thought into decisive action.
- If you are constantly busy and on the go (Behavior-dominant): Try slowing down and allowing yourself to be bored. See what feelings and thoughts come up and just sit with them for a while. Tolerate any discomfort and see what you learn about yourself. This is about moving from constant action into deeper affect and cognition.
CFC Therapy is a great place to find a guide to help set you on the path to change. Just remember that the work of change also happens out of sessions, in everyday moments that you have control over!
(Thank you to Mary Pipher’s Letters to a Young Therapist for introducing the ABC concept.)
